Whimsy

A friend of mine recently introduced me to a website called freeplaylife. The woman who runs the site has created a 52 week challenge (that's one challenge per week of the year. You're welcome). The idea is to bring more fun, whimsy, joy, and all that other good stuff back into your life. Part of the challenge is rediscovering this inside ourselves. In her own words:

...being ‘freeplaylife’ is so much a part of you that I don’t want you to change who you are at all, ever. What I want in these challenges is to help you remember who that is. What you want. How you feel. What makes you happy. How to get that for yourself. These challenges are geared towards helping you step out of the cycles of shame, grief, fear, and doubt that so often distort the lenses that you use to see yourself and the world around you. You are the key to unlocking the cages that are holding you back. Respect it!

This screams out so loud to me. This is what I've been missing in my life - ME!

A few years ago I went to NYC all by myself to meet a friend and see a concert. I had an entire day to wander the city before my friend arrived. What's shocking is that I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do. Maybe it was the vastness of opportunities. Maybe it was the shock of not having to worry about little people. I was able to come up with a dozen or so things I could have done with my kids, but nothing just for me. It was like I didn't know any more what it was that I liked. My friend showed up the next day and I was so relieved to be released from the chore of seeking Mindy pleasing activities.

Since that day I've struggled with this feeling that I've lost myself in motherhood. Don't get me wrong. I wanted kids. I still do. And I don't blame them for sucking the life out of me. I just didn't expect it. Nor do I accept it. I want to climb back up out of the hole I've dug myself into. I've just never known how.

The first freeplaylife challenge is about asking for what you want. One suggested way to go about this is to create a "Things I Want" board on Pinterest. So I started. And it was hard. Much harder than I anticipated. I really had to separate what I want as a mother from what Mindy wants. I'm not sure I was completely successful but I'm trying. Take for instance the 2002 BMW I came across while browsing other Pinterest boards. That was my dream car in high school. I'm still attracted to old and funky cars. "BUT!" my mother self says, "those cars are unreliable and don't come with all the safety features of modern cars to protect the children." "Shut up!" I told my self and pinned that car to my board anyway, but with the disclaimer that it was my dream of yore.

I think as mothers we just have too many selves to take into consideration. My three kiddos are extensions of me. According to research fetal cells sneak across the placenta and remain in a mother's body for decades - and our cells make their way into our babies. It's no wonder then that when considering what I want, the needs of my children would affect my decision.

So I'm still working on this. And I'm still working on me. My woman's circle has decided to take on the challenge which means that I have people to be accountable to. Some of it I may post here and some of it, like assbooking, I may skip all together.