Monday

A liquid dinner seemed fitting for the beginning of the week.

I just burned my areola

It's not as risque as can be imagined. I'm not the only one imagining something risque, am I? Because in my younger years there were sexier ways I could have burned my areola.

There was no sexy in today.

It's quite boring the way it happened actually.

We have a free-standing towel warmer in the bathroom. When I got out of the shower I tried to take my fluffy, heated towel off the rack but found that a corner of it was hooked on the clothes hamper sitting next to it. I leaned over to release the corner and that's when my areola made contact with a hot edge of the warming rack. I guess my body's perception of how low my breasts hang when bending over does not match with their actual, er, elasticity.

See. It's not really even a story but I'm telling it anyway because it's all I've got. And, yes, it does make me sad that the most blog worthy event of my day - maybe of my entire week - is so unexciting. You can be sad for me, too. And for my poor areola.

Pretty Awesome

I came across this video of slam poet, Katie Makkai, and her poem "Pretty." I can't remember how I came across it otherwise I'd credit the source. Having two boys first and not being a girly-girl myself, I wasn't really prepared for the intensity of the girl-child's need to look pretty. But it's hitting me now and this video resonates for that reason.

CT Scan

Sam's scan went well yesterday. We've been through enough of these types of things to predict how things will go down. And yesterday was no different.

Some form of sedation must be administered since Sam cannot be expected to hold still for the duration of the scan. This means the procedure is slightly more involved and requires an anesthesiologist. Sam tolerates anesthesia very well. Too well. I mentioned this to the doctor along with the information about his apnea getting worse when he goes in or comes out of sleep. They nodded.

"Okay," I said, "You can just come get me when he's done if you need help waking him up."

"He'll be fine, I'm sure," was the response.

Thirty minutes went by and I thought they surely must have been finished. Finally, a nurse came to me and said, "He's really having a hard time waking up. And he's having a lot of apneas."

It's funny. David and I used to spend so much time talking with doctors ahead of time to warn them of all of Sam's idiosyncrasies. We wanted to make sure they completely understood what they were getting into and, more importantly, how to get out of it. But since our advice didn't fit with their own medical learning, most of it didn't reach their brains.

So now we don't spend much time preparing the doctors. Instead we just make sure that at least one of us is there when our warnings manifest.

I used my special mommy powers to wake him up. We should have the results by early next week.

Sam's Ear

Sam has a CT scheduled tomorrow to diagnose what might be a cholesteatoma. He's had several ear infections the past few years and finally his doctor, on last exam, saw what might be causing them. If the finding is positive then Sam will probably need surgery to remove it. A typical mother would be hoping for a negative finding so her child would not have to endure going under the knife. I'm not a typical mother. And Sam is not a typical child.

For years Sam has beaten on his head while yelling loudly. We've had MRIs performed to rule out any changes in his brain. Obviously we checked for ear infections - but the yelling and hitting continued even when his ears were clear. We've put him on medications for migraines and other heavy pain killers because we've assumed he's in pain. But nothing has helped.

So my hope for tomorrow's test is that they find a big ol' cholesteatoma that has been the source of his yelling and hitting. And, gosh, wouldn't it be nice if it was the cause of his balance issues, too? That's hoping for a lot. I'm pretty sure an ear growth has much less impact on balance than, say, the part missing from his cerebellum.

Then I hope for surgery. Not because I like it when my little boy goes under the knife but, rather, I'd like for Sam to be pain free. Also, he takes wonderfully long naps after the anesthesia wears off.

Whimsy

A friend of mine recently introduced me to a website called freeplaylife. The woman who runs the site has created a 52 week challenge (that's one challenge per week of the year. You're welcome). The idea is to bring more fun, whimsy, joy, and all that other good stuff back into your life. Part of the challenge is rediscovering this inside ourselves. In her own words:

...being ‘freeplaylife’ is so much a part of you that I don’t want you to change who you are at all, ever. What I want in these challenges is to help you remember who that is. What you want. How you feel. What makes you happy. How to get that for yourself. These challenges are geared towards helping you step out of the cycles of shame, grief, fear, and doubt that so often distort the lenses that you use to see yourself and the world around you. You are the key to unlocking the cages that are holding you back. Respect it!

This screams out so loud to me. This is what I've been missing in my life - ME!

A few years ago I went to NYC all by myself to meet a friend and see a concert. I had an entire day to wander the city before my friend arrived. What's shocking is that I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do. Maybe it was the vastness of opportunities. Maybe it was the shock of not having to worry about little people. I was able to come up with a dozen or so things I could have done with my kids, but nothing just for me. It was like I didn't know any more what it was that I liked. My friend showed up the next day and I was so relieved to be released from the chore of seeking Mindy pleasing activities.

Since that day I've struggled with this feeling that I've lost myself in motherhood. Don't get me wrong. I wanted kids. I still do. And I don't blame them for sucking the life out of me. I just didn't expect it. Nor do I accept it. I want to climb back up out of the hole I've dug myself into. I've just never known how.

The first freeplaylife challenge is about asking for what you want. One suggested way to go about this is to create a "Things I Want" board on Pinterest. So I started. And it was hard. Much harder than I anticipated. I really had to separate what I want as a mother from what Mindy wants. I'm not sure I was completely successful but I'm trying. Take for instance the 2002 BMW I came across while browsing other Pinterest boards. That was my dream car in high school. I'm still attracted to old and funky cars. "BUT!" my mother self says, "those cars are unreliable and don't come with all the safety features of modern cars to protect the children." "Shut up!" I told my self and pinned that car to my board anyway, but with the disclaimer that it was my dream of yore.

I think as mothers we just have too many selves to take into consideration. My three kiddos are extensions of me. According to research fetal cells sneak across the placenta and remain in a mother's body for decades - and our cells make their way into our babies. It's no wonder then that when considering what I want, the needs of my children would affect my decision.

So I'm still working on this. And I'm still working on me. My woman's circle has decided to take on the challenge which means that I have people to be accountable to. Some of it I may post here and some of it, like assbooking, I may skip all together.

Quiet return deux

I've decided to start blogging again. The problem is I don't know what I should blog about. My motivation seems to have disappeared. So I thought I'd ask you, dear readers, what it is you would like to read about on my blog. There's a problem with this, though, too. I don't have any readers anymore. The half dozen or so that I used to have disappeared shortly after my motivation slipped away.

It's been over three years since I last wrote regularly on this blog and I've searched so very deep to find the cause of this cessation. There was the big move across country that took so much out of me both during the journey and after, while we punched our way into making a life here in North Carolina. This transition obviously meant leaving behind an amazing and supportive community of like-minded moms - friends - the likes of whom I cannot find here. Then there's that darling daughter of mine who started talking around the time of this blog's demise and has not stopped since. I'm serious. The girl loves the sound of her own voice. And she has questions for every question. She talks so much that her words fill my head and there's no room left for my own thoughts.

So what has changed that I think I can start blogging again? Well, we still live in this town that just doesn't fit me quite right but the stress of the move is far behind us. And all 3 kids are in school full time which means that there is some silence in the early part of the day. Mainly, though, I want to start blogging again.

I'm not going to announce my return to blogging... yet. I'd rather test the waters first and see if I can keep up with this. If you happen upon this post feel free to leave a comment with some words of encouragement.